you wanted more

so... its been almost a year since i've been on here.  i honestly forgot i had this blog.  but a friend asked me to read hers and it reminded me i had it.  so i think i'm going to try it again.  blogging i mean.

so much has happened since the last time i was on here.  reading my old posts reminded me of how far i have come since then.  but yet it also reminded me of how far i have yet to go.  I want more. 

the title comes from the song by tonic.   you know the song from the late 90s.  lately i've been nostalgic about my music.  searching itunes for late 90s alternative songs.  the stuff that was on the radio when i was in grade school.  not sure where that is coming from.

lately i've been feeling like i can get so much more from life that what i have now.  and don't get me wrong.  what i have now is so much better than what i had one year ago today.  but maybe just maybe there is more to this life.  maybe i don't have to settle.

thats what i have done my whole life is settle.  and i don't want to settle anymore.  not only do i want more.  but i deserve more.  i have some of the best friends a girl can have.  i have a job that makes me happy.  i have a job that i wake up for in the morning and think about when i'm falling asleep.  (does that make me a workaholic?? maybe i'm coming to the realization that i am).  I have a volunteer positon that i love (on most days).  And i'm busy.  busy 7 days a week.  maybe i need to slow down.  but more possibly until that day comes when i am forced to slow down i am going to want more. 

last year i thought that the only thing in the world that was going to make me happy was a relationship.  but i was wrong.  there is so much more to life than being stuck in a go nowhere relationship with a man who has fathered a child with another woman while you were with him.  maybe someday a relationship will come my way but i'm not in anyway out there really looking for one.  there are days when i think about joining a dating site for fun.  but then i think about it and the truth is i don't know when i would date.  i just don't really have time anymore.

i now know that when the time is right, i will get a boyfriend.  but i'm not out there actively perusing, fishing for one.  because for the first time in probably 8 years, maybe even longer, i'm happy.  and not in the grin while your fighting back tears way.  but in the i'm happy and not hiding my feelings behind my relationship with food way.  but i'll get into that complicated relationship another day.  for now i'm going to bed because i'll never get up in the morning.

if anyone reads this.  i just want to say thank you.  thank you for being interested enough to read.  i don't know if i know you or not.  but know that you are impacting someone just by taking the time to read their blog.  so thanks. 

i want you to make me to feel like i'm the only one who knows your heart

from rihanna's new song only girl in the world

so as i alluded to earlier.  my day was very emotional.  it was my last day at drug mart and i didn't think it was going to be all that hard of a day.  but it was very hard to say goodbye to everyone.  i've been with some of these people for almost 3 years and i've gotten close to a lot of the stock boys.  i've watched a lot of them grow up from when they were hired when they were 16 and 17 years old until now.  i've met and made some very good, close friends there.  and it was hard saying that i didn't know when the next time i'd see them would be.  i cried on the way home.  i'll admit it. 

when i was at work i got a phone call from my ex.  the recent one.  he called me crying because he didn't know who else to call.  his grandma is dying from stage 4 ovarian cancer.  that in and of itself makes me sad because i really like his grandma.  but as he's talking he's telling me how he spent the whole day at the hospital and he doesn't know when the next time he'll go back to work is.  that made me really angry.  i understand that this is his grandma and all.  but i was his girlfriend.  his girlfriend of over 6 years.  and he couldn't bother to take off for me when i had to get my biopsy.  he never put as his facebook status to pray for me as i was going through a very difficult time.  i was a faker.  i was never worthy of his time.  and yes even though we are broken up it still hurts to know that i wasn't good enough per se.  i just hope i can find someone eventually who will love me enough to take off from work when i need him to.  to post about me on facebook.  to jump up and down on a couch tom cruise style and just be so happy that we are together. 

i left out the best part of the phone call though. as i was getting off the call he was like love  you.  and i didn't say anything back. just said k bye.  and hung up.  then he called right back.  he said i don't really.  love you i mean.  i just didn't know who else to call.  and then he hung up.  and that hurt.  i don't want him to love me.  because even though a part of me may still love him.  i'm ready to move on.  i don't need that bullshit anymore.  that much is for sure.  and i don't love him like i used to any more.  now its just love like an old love.  not that i love  you want to spend my life with you love.  but how rude can u get.  i just took a cell phone call in the middle of work for you.  and you have to call me back and tell me that.  and yes i'm angry. so i cried.  i went to the bathroom and cried.  not because i was sad.  more because i was angry at the realization that he thinks that i'm at his disposal.  that he can do or say anything and i will just take it.  i wanted to jump up and down and scream.  but i couldn't.  i just washed my face and went back to work. 

i told my boss about it and he thought it was hysterical.  he did ask me what i felt though. and i told him that i felt like i wanted to kick him in the balls. and my boss said good that's what you should be feeling.  and my friend jess told me no pity sex.  which was the last thing on my mind.  but i guess it was good of her to remind me that i was still desirable.  because i havent' felt that in a while. 

i'm going to toledo saturday night to spent time with an ex.  one that i hope to rekindle a relationship with.  we'll see what happens.  but i'm excited and nervous.  the good kind of nervous.  not the kind of nervous that he'll think i'm a psychopath.  the kind of nervous that you get before a first date.  the kin

i don't, love you i mean

yes.  that was said today.  and that's all i have to say about it. 

its been a crazy roller coaster of a week.  i start work on monday and am just ready to get there and get started.  we'll see what happens.   more later.  i just can't focus right now.  i want to but can't. 

i remember when...you said forever...

ok so not like this title really relates to this but maybe in some ways it does.  i am answering question 2 tonite.  i can't sleep so i figured i would knock off some questions and get some posts up.  i'm trying really hard to be the good person and do everything that i need to do but with the new job i'm feeling a little overwhelmed so there may not be as many posts or maybe there will be more if i keep not being able to sleep.  sooo.  neways the title is from ashley parker angel's song let u go.  that's right ashley angel from o-town.  that's what i'm listening to right now.  blast from the past.  only saw them in concert like 6 times.  i was a little bit of a stalker.  lol.

so today's topic is what i do when i'm happy!!!!


happiness.  that's a funny word.  its sa word i've never fully understood. 

happiness to me is pure bliss and lack of sadness but i dont' believe that is an accurate description of happiness.  rather, it is my distorted view of happiness.  when i am happy i tend to eat less.  its easier for me to control my portions and eat 3 or so meals a day.  when i'm happy i'm the nicest person (in my mind), the silliest person who will do anything to make someone laugh.  who laughs at herself at just at life.  i'm not someone who is brought down easily by negative thoughts.  when i am happy i am an extrovert.  talking to everyone and anyone.  when i am happy i spend more time with the people i love; my friends, my family, etc.  when i am happy i smile, something that has not been seen very often on my face lately.  but is creeping back up when i least expect it.  when i am happy i am outgoing, always meeting new people, making new friends, etc.  i love to be happy.  ( then again who doesn't love to be happy)  when i am happy i take risks, not necessarily dangerous risks but risks that make me vulnerable to others, places my emotions out there and lets me take risks.  when i'm happy the perfectionism goes away, i am myself.  not the pieces of myself that i think others want to see of me.  when i'm happy i'm more willing to do silly things.  i'm more self confident.  when i'm happy i go out of my way to make others happy.  i consider others and their feelings first.  when i'm happy i'm NOT the victim.  when i am unhappy i tend to play the victim.  i'm more likely to just tell people what i thought they wanted to hear. 
happiness is something i'm still trying to understand.  its not an emotion i'm used to dealing with.  but i'm learning.  i'm better, so much better when i'm happy.  i've also learned that happiness is a choice.  i can choose to focus on the negative aspects, on the negative thoughts.  when i'm happy i focus on positive things.  the things i do right, not my food, not my weight, not my material goos, etc. 
happiness is a feeling i'm just learning to deal with.  and i like it.  i like making the decision every day to be a happier person.  the decision not to let the obsessive thoughts rule my life.  which is what i've done for so long.  its what i've done my whole life.  its my decision to be happy and right now i'm choosing to be happy. 

so there it is.  what i do when i'm happy i'm not so sure that i answered the question well or completely.  but i answered it honestly.  which is something i'm getting better at. 

well i'm going to go work on something that i need for tommorrow.  maybe i'll answer another question later tonight.  maybe it will be a few days.  but i leave you with this thought tonight.  happiness is a choice.  when are you going to choose to make it yours. 

what i do when i'm sad

this is the response to a question posed to me.  it is one of a series of questions i'll be answering here. 

when i'm sad i do the obvious...eat,  i mean cry.  whenever i am unhappy i eat.  i think its how i cope with things. 
happy is an emotion i can handle.  Sad, not so much .  its easy to say sad makes you feel horrible but sad is somehthing i have a hard time dealing with.  when i was younger sadness was handled with food.  the sad parts of my life i can associate with food.  and there was quite a bit of sadness in my childhood.  it took longer for me to deal with my sadness than others.  i don't remember much from when my grandpa died.  i was 8 years old and it was the weekend after my first communion.  all i remember is everyone came in from ourt of town and we ate out every meal for a while after that.  then around that same time my cousin got sick.  and we started spending every other weekend in wast virginia to spend time with im.  and that was food.  the thing i remember most clearly was the food: colessessanos (a pizza place there that has the BEST pizza and pepperoni roles), Murial's (a mish mosh restauraunt), and whatever Denise (their neighbor) felt like making for us.  when tim died, i remember that vividly, the casket, the flowers, the  cemetary.  i can still tell you who catered it and what i ate.  after that happpiness came for a while and i didn't eat as much.  we had more of a schedule.  tuesdays we ate out lunch and dinner.  tuesdays are my dad's day off and we would spend them with my grandma.  when my grandma died we held the reception after the funeral at a restaurant.  everyone ordered exactly what they wanted.  all 150 guests. 
food in my mind satisfies sadness.  my eating normalized again until i started dating my exboyfriend.  i don't think i was ever truly happy with him.  but the beginning of my relationship food was fine.  i never had butterflies which was rare for me.  it started with ice cream.  i would eat ice cream when he made me upset.  then i would eat two dinners.  then it escalated.  i stopped seeing my friends.  i ate more.  i stopped seeing my family except for those whom i lived with.  i ate even more.  i stopped caring about what i looked like.  and ate.  and ate. and ate.  until i was almost 200 pounds heavier.  and he was unhappy and i was unhappy. and being verbally abused.  the more abused i got the more i ate.  the more he told me i was fat the more i ate to become fat.  the more i didn't deserve friends the less i saw my friends and the more i ate.  you get the pattern.  i ate. 
i now know that eating is not an emotion.  sadness is an emotion.  i cry now.  i feel sadness.  i try to feel sadness.  let me correct myself.  i'm working on feeling my emotions.  its hard but i'm working on it.  right now i know that i have a problem and that i alone can not fix it.  i need my god to help me.  i need help big time.  the life i was living was killing me.  slowly but surely.  more than tthe anorexia was killing me back in the day. 

if you ask me i'm ready

so i had my interview with the clinic today.  it was like 3 hours long and i think it went really well.  if  you ask me i think i got the job but i don't want to become too cocky or conceited.  the only thing is they asked me about my attendence at my current job which isn't always so great.  but you know if they didn't give me the crappiest shifts and send me home in the middle of my shift because it is so dead and they can't afford to pay me it would be a whole nother story. 

you know i have a lot of gripes with my current job but i know i have a contribution to it.  a contribution to how they treat me because i allow it to happen.  i've never set boundaries.  but i guess now i'm going to get the balls and get a new job.  to get the balls and grow up.  its about time. 

at group today everyone was tellimg me that t am neglecting my mental health if i get this job.  but i disagree.  i think that if i get this job i am doing just the opposite.  i am getting my mental health under control.  rather than treat me as disabled perhaps i should act as if im able because i think i am.  and who am i to be listening to three people who receive ssi disability???  that's the thought i had today while they were telling me this.  i thought i really am nothing like you people except for some of the issues we have in forming relationships.  i can honestly say that i've never been oficially disabled.  and that i'll never know if my anxiety is completely debilitating until i try.  and i'm going to try.  i'm going to spread my wings, fly, and grow up.

its about time i grow up and pay my own bills and get a full time job and take care of my own benefits, my own shit for once.  so instead of spending all of my money this week on stuff i don't need i'm going to go pay part of my credit card bills and put gas in my own car and pay for everything i need.  i don't need to get clothes.  i don't need to get makeup.  i don't need to do all the things that i do.  i just need to spend money paying my bills, sinse i'm so in debt.  this is crazy the way i've been living.  i don't know why its taken so long for me to open my eyes and get this shit under control.  once i get this stuff out of control i will be able to move out and act as an adult for once. 

that's not to say i'm not going to take advantage of living rent free and saving my money. 

so if you ask me i'm ready.  i'm ready to spread my wings and fly. to get a full time job.  to try new things. to ltruly love and be loved. 

i really want to start living, man

from the man i want to be by chris young

i've got an hour until i start my job at aero.  i'm excited and nervous all at the same time.  so we were talking in therapy today about my ability to relate to people.  he said that i was not a relational person.  and i disagreed.  he said that im not relational with the people in my life who matter.  that i need to ask the group what i do that keeps me from being relational but do i really want to know.  i don't think my relationships are effed up.  but maybe they are and i just don't see it.  i try so hard to be the perfect daughter, sister, friend, etc.  but it really doesn't matter because i evidently completely fail at it.  at least according to my psychologist.  if i'm not relational how do i have friends????? that's the question i want to know.  i understand that i push people away when i complain and when i talk about what's wrong with me.  but what i don't understand is why everything has to be rosy all the time.  i just don't get it.  why would everything alway have to be relational or nice and good.  i mean sometimes you just aren't relational.  sometimes i want to bitch to someone about how i feel not lie and say everything is roses and rainbows.  life's just not that way.  and if you can't relate how you feel to someone how can you be relational to them??? that is the question of the hour.

so last night i watched the season finale of grey's anatomy for like the 100th time this summer because the new season comes on next week.  boy can that show make me cry.  which is where the title for this comes from.  it had a lot of good quotes and next week i'm going to write them down and put them on here.  but not right now.  the one i remember best is from the end.  derek is doing a voice over and its goes something like this:  "life is full of choices, right or left, yes or no, life and death, but sometimes the choice is not ours".  wow that was powerful.  it made me think. what if the choice really isn't ours.  i don't want to go out of this life on a choice that wasn't mine.  i want to go out for good things.  to not die alone.  (as my therapists suggests i might).  i don't want to become a bitter old woman who has had her heart broken too many times.  i want to live.  and if my heart gets broken so be it.  i want to take risks and have some pay off and fail miserably at some.  i want to make a beautiful mistake.  the kind that just happens and that pays off in the end.  one that may not be the right choice for  everyone but the right choice for me.  i think that's what i'm really struggling with today.  doing what I want to do not what everyone else wants me to do.  and i really want to start living.  living each day as if i may not have another.  because who knows what can happen.  i'm going to end this with the lyrics of a song that has really become my anthem recently.  its called Blink by the band Revive.  its a christian song but i think it has more meaning than just that.  i think it really is calling me to live my life to the fullest.

teach me to number my days
and count every moment
before it slips away
take in all all the colors
before they fade to grey

i don't wanna miss
even just a second
more of this

it happens in a blink
it happens in a flash
it happens in the time it took to look back
i try to hold on tight, but there's no stopping time
what is it i've done with my life

it happens in a blink
it happens in a blink

when its all said and done
no one remembers
how far we have run
the only thing that matters
is how we have loved

i don't want to miss
even just a second
more of this

it happens in a blink, it happens in a flash
it happens in the time it took to look back
i try to hold on tight but there's no stopping time
what is it i've done with my life

it happens in a blink
it happens in a blink
it happens in a blink
it happens in a blink

slow down
slow down
before today becomes
our yesterday

slow down
slow down
before today becomes
our yesterday

it happens in a blink, it happens in a flash
it happens in the time it took to look back
i try to hold on tight, but there's no stopping time
what is it i've done with my life?

it happens in a blink, it happens in a flash
it happens in the time it took to look back
i try to hold on tight, but there's  no stopping time
what is it i've done with my life?

it happens in a blink
it happens in a blink
it happens in a blink
it happens in a blink