maybe i'm crazy maybe its too late

wow.  all i can say is wow.  after the night i had last night at kim's and the day i've had today i feel raw, open and bleeding.  i can only hope and pray that the things i said last night are not forgotten but also are not repeated.  i had such an emotional time.  i've never told anyone any of those things but its true.  i pretended for years to be something i wasn't and now i'm paying the price.  contrary to previous beliefs he was my first and i had hoped my only.  but whatever, life happens.  and maybe one day, maybe soon i'll get to experience that feeling.  that feeling of falling in love again.  that feeling of completely and utterly trusting someone with my whole life and heart.  maybe i'll save myself again.  or maybe not.  maybe its just too late for me to get that feeling.  i'm 24 and i feel like my life is over.  what is wrong with me.  i just hope to be done with him and his controlling ways.  i love the life i'm living right now.  but it still feels incomplete.  i just need someone to share it with.  someone who listens and loves and cares.  more than just a friend. 
don't get me wrong this life that i'm living right now is nearly perfect and its going to get more perfect as time goes on.  but sometimes i think i'm too late for things.  at 24 i had all these expecatations that i had for myself.  my own little box to step into by the time i was 25.  and i still can i think..  if only i could fit into the box. 
i'm trying a new program tomorrow we'll see if i drink the kool aid  or if its just not right for me.  i'm hoping its another good thing to drink the koolaid for.  one can never have enough unconditional support.  even though i have the unconditional support of my friends. sometimes more unconditional support is needed.  and i can't get enough of it right now. 
i have an interview tomorrow.  a big interview.  so think of me and hopefully i'll have a new job.  one that i like a little bit more. 

There’s a boy here in town says he’ll love me forever who would have thought forever could be severed

wow.  so just hearing today about my best friends escapades made me cry.  again title is a quote from a great song.  one that i'll probably use all the lyrics to eventually called if i die young by the band perry.

so my best friend had some serious escapades last night.  and i'll admit it part of me is jealous.  but most of all i'm sad.  how could i allow some one to do those things to me that HE did.  Things i never in a million years thought i would do.  things that make me repulsed just thinking about them.  yet he said he loved me and i wanted to make him happy so i did them.  why???? just so he can tell me that for the past two years he hasn't loved me!?!?! just so that he can tell me i suck the life out of him?!?!?!

I feel violated.  i feel raped.  i feel a myriad of things that i've never felt before.  i''m sitting here trying not to cry just thinking about it.  in the past 2 years i've let him abuse me.  well we're over now so i don't know why its bothering me.  but it is.  and the thing is after i'd let him do things to me he'd tell me he loved me.  how can you lie about that???  how can you look someone in the eye and tell them you love them when you know you don't??????

you know i told him i love you by mistake.  i was just getting out of a serious relationship and we had been dating for like 3 weeks and i was leaving his house walking to my car and i yelled out love you.  it wasn't like a real i love you seriously and for the rest of my life you have my soul.  it was the love you i use with my friends.  the love you that tells them that i love them but that is not the same as my soulmate i love you. 

that's the weird thing with me.  i tell everyone who i love that i love them.  maybe its a fear of abandonment.  but that's what i do.  and i know it makes some of them uncomfortable but i can't help it.  i'm so afraid i'm going to lose one of them and they'll never know i loved them.  that would be the worst not knowing that someone loved you when they did.

so what's worse lying when you say i love you or saying i love you to everyone you love?????  can you overuse that word?????  is it really just a awkward silence filler like some people sugges??? or is it meant deep down in my soul.  i say i mean it deep down in my soul.  i know i do.  i think i have abandonment issues.  or is it love issues or is it both?????

forgiveness ain't nothing but a lifeless tire on the shoulder of her soul that never rolled

a quote from the song guinevere by the eli young band.  forgiveness.  that's a funny word.  i was going to post about spirituality today but i'm not feeling it now.  its about forgiveness.  forgiving others i guess is the easy part.  its forgiving yourself that is hard.  how do you forgive yourself for mistakes you've made years ago that are just now rearing their ugly heads.  how do you forgive yourself for losing the one you love.  for losing a friendship.  for not being observant.  for being self-absorbed.  for, well, everything.
those are the questions i struggle with tonight as i lay my head down.  i want to be content.  i really do.  but its hard to be content when you can't  forgive yourself.  what if i never forgive myself??????????

jesus is coming...look busy

so that's a quote from the book i'm reading right now.  its called nora, nora by anne rivers siddons.  its really good.  i've decided i'm going to put everything i read up on this blog so people can read along with me or whatever.
my birthday check came from my uncle.  YAY!!!!!!!!!!!  now i have a little money which is nice.  so. first thing i'm gonna do with it is get a couple more books.  big surprise there.  i know.  but whatever.  i've started a diet with two of my best friends and now i'm trying to hold myself accountable.  and today was a terrible day on the diet.  that i have to admit.  cheesecake and ice cream  holy calories.  but i'm going to go get the diet books by bethenny frankel and use those on top of the one that was recommended to me called 100 days of weight loss.  i just hope that i can be my skinny happy self again.  this me is not as happy as she used to be.  i just wish things in life were easier.

i think i'm going to go back to church.  not normal church like i used to go to.  but the church that is new agey and spiritual.  and high energy.  i think i was happy when i went there a couple times so i'm gonna try it again.  this time seriously. i think its a good place to meet people and a place where i can take the stress away from my life.  i'm unsure of how people are going to take it.  the people i love and the people i  used to go to church with.  but i guess its not their opinion that matters.  its mine.  but i've always been very concerned with what people will think of me.  i just hope that everything turns out right.  that i keep the friends i have and make new ones within the church.  we'll c what happens

so here i am...so different...yet so the same

i honestly never thought my life would turn out this way.  that my 6 year relationship would end in heartbreak.  that i sucked the life out of people. that i would be overweight and alone.  that my significant other would hide from me at work and that i would find the friends i lost years ago.  and that's just the beginning...