if you ask me i'm ready

so i had my interview with the clinic today.  it was like 3 hours long and i think it went really well.  if  you ask me i think i got the job but i don't want to become too cocky or conceited.  the only thing is they asked me about my attendence at my current job which isn't always so great.  but you know if they didn't give me the crappiest shifts and send me home in the middle of my shift because it is so dead and they can't afford to pay me it would be a whole nother story. 

you know i have a lot of gripes with my current job but i know i have a contribution to it.  a contribution to how they treat me because i allow it to happen.  i've never set boundaries.  but i guess now i'm going to get the balls and get a new job.  to get the balls and grow up.  its about time. 

at group today everyone was tellimg me that t am neglecting my mental health if i get this job.  but i disagree.  i think that if i get this job i am doing just the opposite.  i am getting my mental health under control.  rather than treat me as disabled perhaps i should act as if im able because i think i am.  and who am i to be listening to three people who receive ssi disability???  that's the thought i had today while they were telling me this.  i thought i really am nothing like you people except for some of the issues we have in forming relationships.  i can honestly say that i've never been oficially disabled.  and that i'll never know if my anxiety is completely debilitating until i try.  and i'm going to try.  i'm going to spread my wings, fly, and grow up.

its about time i grow up and pay my own bills and get a full time job and take care of my own benefits, my own shit for once.  so instead of spending all of my money this week on stuff i don't need i'm going to go pay part of my credit card bills and put gas in my own car and pay for everything i need.  i don't need to get clothes.  i don't need to get makeup.  i don't need to do all the things that i do.  i just need to spend money paying my bills, sinse i'm so in debt.  this is crazy the way i've been living.  i don't know why its taken so long for me to open my eyes and get this shit under control.  once i get this stuff out of control i will be able to move out and act as an adult for once. 

that's not to say i'm not going to take advantage of living rent free and saving my money. 

so if you ask me i'm ready.  i'm ready to spread my wings and fly. to get a full time job.  to try new things. to ltruly love and be loved.