i want you to make me to feel like i'm the only one who knows your heart

from rihanna's new song only girl in the world

so as i alluded to earlier.  my day was very emotional.  it was my last day at drug mart and i didn't think it was going to be all that hard of a day.  but it was very hard to say goodbye to everyone.  i've been with some of these people for almost 3 years and i've gotten close to a lot of the stock boys.  i've watched a lot of them grow up from when they were hired when they were 16 and 17 years old until now.  i've met and made some very good, close friends there.  and it was hard saying that i didn't know when the next time i'd see them would be.  i cried on the way home.  i'll admit it. 

when i was at work i got a phone call from my ex.  the recent one.  he called me crying because he didn't know who else to call.  his grandma is dying from stage 4 ovarian cancer.  that in and of itself makes me sad because i really like his grandma.  but as he's talking he's telling me how he spent the whole day at the hospital and he doesn't know when the next time he'll go back to work is.  that made me really angry.  i understand that this is his grandma and all.  but i was his girlfriend.  his girlfriend of over 6 years.  and he couldn't bother to take off for me when i had to get my biopsy.  he never put as his facebook status to pray for me as i was going through a very difficult time.  i was a faker.  i was never worthy of his time.  and yes even though we are broken up it still hurts to know that i wasn't good enough per se.  i just hope i can find someone eventually who will love me enough to take off from work when i need him to.  to post about me on facebook.  to jump up and down on a couch tom cruise style and just be so happy that we are together. 

i left out the best part of the phone call though. as i was getting off the call he was like love  you.  and i didn't say anything back. just said k bye.  and hung up.  then he called right back.  he said i don't really.  love you i mean.  i just didn't know who else to call.  and then he hung up.  and that hurt.  i don't want him to love me.  because even though a part of me may still love him.  i'm ready to move on.  i don't need that bullshit anymore.  that much is for sure.  and i don't love him like i used to any more.  now its just love like an old love.  not that i love  you want to spend my life with you love.  but how rude can u get.  i just took a cell phone call in the middle of work for you.  and you have to call me back and tell me that.  and yes i'm angry. so i cried.  i went to the bathroom and cried.  not because i was sad.  more because i was angry at the realization that he thinks that i'm at his disposal.  that he can do or say anything and i will just take it.  i wanted to jump up and down and scream.  but i couldn't.  i just washed my face and went back to work. 

i told my boss about it and he thought it was hysterical.  he did ask me what i felt though. and i told him that i felt like i wanted to kick him in the balls. and my boss said good that's what you should be feeling.  and my friend jess told me no pity sex.  which was the last thing on my mind.  but i guess it was good of her to remind me that i was still desirable.  because i havent' felt that in a while. 

i'm going to toledo saturday night to spent time with an ex.  one that i hope to rekindle a relationship with.  we'll see what happens.  but i'm excited and nervous.  the good kind of nervous.  not the kind of nervous that he'll think i'm a psychopath.  the kind of nervous that you get before a first date.  the kin

i don't, love you i mean

yes.  that was said today.  and that's all i have to say about it. 

its been a crazy roller coaster of a week.  i start work on monday and am just ready to get there and get started.  we'll see what happens.   more later.  i just can't focus right now.  i want to but can't. 

i remember when...you said forever...

ok so not like this title really relates to this but maybe in some ways it does.  i am answering question 2 tonite.  i can't sleep so i figured i would knock off some questions and get some posts up.  i'm trying really hard to be the good person and do everything that i need to do but with the new job i'm feeling a little overwhelmed so there may not be as many posts or maybe there will be more if i keep not being able to sleep.  sooo.  neways the title is from ashley parker angel's song let u go.  that's right ashley angel from o-town.  that's what i'm listening to right now.  blast from the past.  only saw them in concert like 6 times.  i was a little bit of a stalker.  lol.

so today's topic is what i do when i'm happy!!!!


happiness.  that's a funny word.  its sa word i've never fully understood. 

happiness to me is pure bliss and lack of sadness but i dont' believe that is an accurate description of happiness.  rather, it is my distorted view of happiness.  when i am happy i tend to eat less.  its easier for me to control my portions and eat 3 or so meals a day.  when i'm happy i'm the nicest person (in my mind), the silliest person who will do anything to make someone laugh.  who laughs at herself at just at life.  i'm not someone who is brought down easily by negative thoughts.  when i am happy i am an extrovert.  talking to everyone and anyone.  when i am happy i spend more time with the people i love; my friends, my family, etc.  when i am happy i smile, something that has not been seen very often on my face lately.  but is creeping back up when i least expect it.  when i am happy i am outgoing, always meeting new people, making new friends, etc.  i love to be happy.  ( then again who doesn't love to be happy)  when i am happy i take risks, not necessarily dangerous risks but risks that make me vulnerable to others, places my emotions out there and lets me take risks.  when i'm happy the perfectionism goes away, i am myself.  not the pieces of myself that i think others want to see of me.  when i'm happy i'm more willing to do silly things.  i'm more self confident.  when i'm happy i go out of my way to make others happy.  i consider others and their feelings first.  when i'm happy i'm NOT the victim.  when i am unhappy i tend to play the victim.  i'm more likely to just tell people what i thought they wanted to hear. 
happiness is something i'm still trying to understand.  its not an emotion i'm used to dealing with.  but i'm learning.  i'm better, so much better when i'm happy.  i've also learned that happiness is a choice.  i can choose to focus on the negative aspects, on the negative thoughts.  when i'm happy i focus on positive things.  the things i do right, not my food, not my weight, not my material goos, etc. 
happiness is a feeling i'm just learning to deal with.  and i like it.  i like making the decision every day to be a happier person.  the decision not to let the obsessive thoughts rule my life.  which is what i've done for so long.  its what i've done my whole life.  its my decision to be happy and right now i'm choosing to be happy. 

so there it is.  what i do when i'm happy i'm not so sure that i answered the question well or completely.  but i answered it honestly.  which is something i'm getting better at. 

well i'm going to go work on something that i need for tommorrow.  maybe i'll answer another question later tonight.  maybe it will be a few days.  but i leave you with this thought tonight.  happiness is a choice.  when are you going to choose to make it yours. 

what i do when i'm sad

this is the response to a question posed to me.  it is one of a series of questions i'll be answering here. 

when i'm sad i do the obvious...eat,  i mean cry.  whenever i am unhappy i eat.  i think its how i cope with things. 
happy is an emotion i can handle.  Sad, not so much .  its easy to say sad makes you feel horrible but sad is somehthing i have a hard time dealing with.  when i was younger sadness was handled with food.  the sad parts of my life i can associate with food.  and there was quite a bit of sadness in my childhood.  it took longer for me to deal with my sadness than others.  i don't remember much from when my grandpa died.  i was 8 years old and it was the weekend after my first communion.  all i remember is everyone came in from ourt of town and we ate out every meal for a while after that.  then around that same time my cousin got sick.  and we started spending every other weekend in wast virginia to spend time with im.  and that was food.  the thing i remember most clearly was the food: colessessanos (a pizza place there that has the BEST pizza and pepperoni roles), Murial's (a mish mosh restauraunt), and whatever Denise (their neighbor) felt like making for us.  when tim died, i remember that vividly, the casket, the flowers, the  cemetary.  i can still tell you who catered it and what i ate.  after that happpiness came for a while and i didn't eat as much.  we had more of a schedule.  tuesdays we ate out lunch and dinner.  tuesdays are my dad's day off and we would spend them with my grandma.  when my grandma died we held the reception after the funeral at a restaurant.  everyone ordered exactly what they wanted.  all 150 guests. 
food in my mind satisfies sadness.  my eating normalized again until i started dating my exboyfriend.  i don't think i was ever truly happy with him.  but the beginning of my relationship food was fine.  i never had butterflies which was rare for me.  it started with ice cream.  i would eat ice cream when he made me upset.  then i would eat two dinners.  then it escalated.  i stopped seeing my friends.  i ate more.  i stopped seeing my family except for those whom i lived with.  i ate even more.  i stopped caring about what i looked like.  and ate.  and ate. and ate.  until i was almost 200 pounds heavier.  and he was unhappy and i was unhappy. and being verbally abused.  the more abused i got the more i ate.  the more he told me i was fat the more i ate to become fat.  the more i didn't deserve friends the less i saw my friends and the more i ate.  you get the pattern.  i ate. 
i now know that eating is not an emotion.  sadness is an emotion.  i cry now.  i feel sadness.  i try to feel sadness.  let me correct myself.  i'm working on feeling my emotions.  its hard but i'm working on it.  right now i know that i have a problem and that i alone can not fix it.  i need my god to help me.  i need help big time.  the life i was living was killing me.  slowly but surely.  more than tthe anorexia was killing me back in the day. 

if you ask me i'm ready

so i had my interview with the clinic today.  it was like 3 hours long and i think it went really well.  if  you ask me i think i got the job but i don't want to become too cocky or conceited.  the only thing is they asked me about my attendence at my current job which isn't always so great.  but you know if they didn't give me the crappiest shifts and send me home in the middle of my shift because it is so dead and they can't afford to pay me it would be a whole nother story. 

you know i have a lot of gripes with my current job but i know i have a contribution to it.  a contribution to how they treat me because i allow it to happen.  i've never set boundaries.  but i guess now i'm going to get the balls and get a new job.  to get the balls and grow up.  its about time. 

at group today everyone was tellimg me that t am neglecting my mental health if i get this job.  but i disagree.  i think that if i get this job i am doing just the opposite.  i am getting my mental health under control.  rather than treat me as disabled perhaps i should act as if im able because i think i am.  and who am i to be listening to three people who receive ssi disability???  that's the thought i had today while they were telling me this.  i thought i really am nothing like you people except for some of the issues we have in forming relationships.  i can honestly say that i've never been oficially disabled.  and that i'll never know if my anxiety is completely debilitating until i try.  and i'm going to try.  i'm going to spread my wings, fly, and grow up.

its about time i grow up and pay my own bills and get a full time job and take care of my own benefits, my own shit for once.  so instead of spending all of my money this week on stuff i don't need i'm going to go pay part of my credit card bills and put gas in my own car and pay for everything i need.  i don't need to get clothes.  i don't need to get makeup.  i don't need to do all the things that i do.  i just need to spend money paying my bills, sinse i'm so in debt.  this is crazy the way i've been living.  i don't know why its taken so long for me to open my eyes and get this shit under control.  once i get this stuff out of control i will be able to move out and act as an adult for once. 

that's not to say i'm not going to take advantage of living rent free and saving my money. 

so if you ask me i'm ready.  i'm ready to spread my wings and fly. to get a full time job.  to try new things. to ltruly love and be loved. 

i really want to start living, man

from the man i want to be by chris young

i've got an hour until i start my job at aero.  i'm excited and nervous all at the same time.  so we were talking in therapy today about my ability to relate to people.  he said that i was not a relational person.  and i disagreed.  he said that im not relational with the people in my life who matter.  that i need to ask the group what i do that keeps me from being relational but do i really want to know.  i don't think my relationships are effed up.  but maybe they are and i just don't see it.  i try so hard to be the perfect daughter, sister, friend, etc.  but it really doesn't matter because i evidently completely fail at it.  at least according to my psychologist.  if i'm not relational how do i have friends????? that's the question i want to know.  i understand that i push people away when i complain and when i talk about what's wrong with me.  but what i don't understand is why everything has to be rosy all the time.  i just don't get it.  why would everything alway have to be relational or nice and good.  i mean sometimes you just aren't relational.  sometimes i want to bitch to someone about how i feel not lie and say everything is roses and rainbows.  life's just not that way.  and if you can't relate how you feel to someone how can you be relational to them??? that is the question of the hour.

so last night i watched the season finale of grey's anatomy for like the 100th time this summer because the new season comes on next week.  boy can that show make me cry.  which is where the title for this comes from.  it had a lot of good quotes and next week i'm going to write them down and put them on here.  but not right now.  the one i remember best is from the end.  derek is doing a voice over and its goes something like this:  "life is full of choices, right or left, yes or no, life and death, but sometimes the choice is not ours".  wow that was powerful.  it made me think. what if the choice really isn't ours.  i don't want to go out of this life on a choice that wasn't mine.  i want to go out for good things.  to not die alone.  (as my therapists suggests i might).  i don't want to become a bitter old woman who has had her heart broken too many times.  i want to live.  and if my heart gets broken so be it.  i want to take risks and have some pay off and fail miserably at some.  i want to make a beautiful mistake.  the kind that just happens and that pays off in the end.  one that may not be the right choice for  everyone but the right choice for me.  i think that's what i'm really struggling with today.  doing what I want to do not what everyone else wants me to do.  and i really want to start living.  living each day as if i may not have another.  because who knows what can happen.  i'm going to end this with the lyrics of a song that has really become my anthem recently.  its called Blink by the band Revive.  its a christian song but i think it has more meaning than just that.  i think it really is calling me to live my life to the fullest.

teach me to number my days
and count every moment
before it slips away
take in all all the colors
before they fade to grey

i don't wanna miss
even just a second
more of this

it happens in a blink
it happens in a flash
it happens in the time it took to look back
i try to hold on tight, but there's no stopping time
what is it i've done with my life

it happens in a blink
it happens in a blink

when its all said and done
no one remembers
how far we have run
the only thing that matters
is how we have loved

i don't want to miss
even just a second
more of this

it happens in a blink, it happens in a flash
it happens in the time it took to look back
i try to hold on tight but there's no stopping time
what is it i've done with my life

it happens in a blink
it happens in a blink
it happens in a blink
it happens in a blink

slow down
slow down
before today becomes
our yesterday

slow down
slow down
before today becomes
our yesterday

it happens in a blink, it happens in a flash
it happens in the time it took to look back
i try to hold on tight, but there's no stopping time
what is it i've done with my life?

it happens in a blink, it happens in a flash
it happens in the time it took to look back
i try to hold on tight, but there's  no stopping time
what is it i've done with my life?

it happens in a blink
it happens in a blink
it happens in a blink
it happens in a blink

and you know i cried...

ok  taken out of context this is an apropriate title.  from the song other guys by jonny diaz. 

so just found out that the mother of one of my good friends in high school died today.  i'm totally at a loss for words.  its hard to imagine that someone's mother is gone.  i guess its a good day to address my mommy issues

i don't feel loved.  there i said it.  i know my parents love me but i've never felt loved by them.  its kinda hard to even imagine what it would be like to truly be loved by anyone.  i thought i knew what love was but that was a bold faced lie. 

aren't your parents supposed to love you?????  so why don't i feel it????  i told them that the other day in anger but i guess what it all boils down to is that i'm a child.  a child who wants to be loved by her mommy.  who wants a mommy who cares what they do.  a mommy who isn't too consumed with other things to even notice her daughter is starving herself to death.  who doesn't have to be told by her daughter's math teacher that maybe her daughter is too thin and needs help. 

a mom who cares and doesn't jump to conclusions.  that's what i want.  a non judgemental mom.  its never been like that.  its always been well who else is doing that. 

i'm sitting here crying just imagining the perfect relationship with my mother.  and i don't know how to get it.  i know that i need to focus on my end of the relationship which is the only end that i can change but its easier to think about all the times i've been hurt, ignored, etc. 

when i was anorexic my own mother didn't believe me that i was starving myself.  my mother didn't believe that anyone would be that stupid.  she still doesn't and she gets that from her mother.  but instead of sending me to a counselor she sent me to get tested for AIDS.  i've never told anyone that before.  she didn't believe me when i said that i had never done drugs and she didn't believe that i wasn't sexually promiscuous.  do you know what its like to have your own mother look you in the eye and call you a liar.  i do.

what did that lead to.  me to become a liar towards her.  she never needed to know where i was, what i was doing and how i felt.  it just wasn't necessary.  i guess.  and now it is just a part of my life.  to lie to her.  to tell her exactly what she wants to hear.  there's no point in being myself around her.  she'll never understand what i feel, who i am, what i stand for. 

when i was telling her the other day what my church is like and a struggle i'm having with something one of the pastors told me and all she can tell me is "what the hell kind of flaky ass church do you belong to?"  who says that to someone????  i just dont' get it. 

i'm going to end this with another quote from a song?

it happened in a blink.  what have i done with my life??   it happened in a blink. 

CHANGE

wow, so just a short note for right now.  i'm going to share it here because no one else is answering their phones.  ah the perils of working strange hours.  I GOT THE THIRD INTERVIEW with the cleveland clinic.  oh if only i could get this job.   my financial worries would be pretty much over.  i would work two jobs one at the clinic and one with aeropostale.  just to get the discount for when i can fit into their clothes.  and for a little retail experience in case this doesn't work out.  but i'm soooooo excited. 

more later.

my eating history

here is my eating history...at least as far as it is right now.

my obsession with food goes back as far as i can remember.  my grandmother (maternal) was always commenting on everyone else's weight and placing them on various diets, and exercise plans.  as a child i wasn't skinny but also wasn't overweight, either.  but i was always uncomfortable about my size and the fact that i've never been able ot keep weight off in my tummy area.  the first time i considered my relationship with food and i were getting ready for the pool when one of them said: "aren't you too fat for a bikini?" and laughed.  looking back it was then htat i began my true unhealthy eating patterns.  i wan't binging or purging or witholding yet but i was starting to begin to cut back on how much i ate.  it was my first true diet.  i had thaought it was working but at the dances i still wan't ever getting asked to dance.  then the day it all really cam to a head occurred.  i was sitting next to my science partner (whom i had thought was my friend) said "you have the biggest arms i have ever seen"  that night i had my first real panic attack and also it was the first time i binged and purged.  it was pizza.  i really didn't like making myself thow up but it was the only way i could get his voice out of my head and the other voices/thoughts that were always there.  the ones that said i was fat, ugly, not good enough, that i'll never be good enough, no one will ever love me and i'll be alone for the rest of my life.  i guess you could say that i was a bit of a perfectionist.  so the next day i told my mom that the pizza had made me sick and i didn't think i was ever going to eat it again.  and that's what i did. smokies, refined sugar, etc.  i would binge on it once, puge and never eat it again but the thoughts never disappeared completely.  soon i wasn't eating anything.  but yet the thoughts persisted.  and i weighed 82 pounds.  but my relationshi with food didn't change.  my parents sent me to therapy and a nutritionsit but it really didn't help.  the nutritionist taught me a lot but it was never anything i would do.  in theory it was simply.  eat in moderation.  eat plenty of fruits and veggies.  but the thoughts disagreed.  Moderation was NOT in my vocabulary.  eventually i began to ignore my thoughts after i had a life-altering injury from being malnourished.  i began to gain weight in high school and could maintain a "healthy" weight of 120 pounds.  i wore a size 0.  and was very active but never a very big exerciser.  at the end of high school i began to date a guy who was a year younger but a whole foot taller than me and had a good 150 pounds on me.  he was very mentally abusive but i didn't see it then.  we dated for 6 and 1/2 years over the course of theose years i gained almost 200 pounds for various reasons.  looking back now i think that i was eating to hide the pain i was feeling.  the loneliness.  i was in complete isolation from my friends and i didn't talk to anyone except him and those "approved" set of his friends.  i notice now that i would stay at his house until 1 am and would come home and eat everything in sight.  ice cream, nutella from the jar.  naything we had but especially sweet food.  i would sit on the couch, watch nancy grace and eat.  i also would lie about what i ate.  i would eat at home but then when i got to his house i would say i hadn't eaten.  it sounds silly but i liked eating with him.  it was about the only thing we had in common.  i didn't want him to eat alone and we would eat a LOT of fast food, especially pizza.  i would say we had pizza at least 3 times a week.  and we would eat and eat.  i think i at because i was so unhappy, unhappy with myself, my life and everything esle.  i didn't believe i was worth anything.  they year i turned 24 (this past year) i threw myself a birthday party.  a big one.  i invited his friends and my friends, whom i had just begun to reconnect with.  that night, the night of my party his friends were cruel.  making comments like you better hope she doesn't pass out because no one will be able to pick her up an dyou sleep with her but you can't lift her.  something has to change.  and those were just the comments i could remember.  that night i got sick and he never came to check on me.  he left without saying goodbye .  the next day the thoughts were back in full force.  i confronted him about what was said and to make a long story short we broke up.  i began to grow to realize that i had a problem with food and that i needed to get healthy and happy.  not necessarily think but healthy and happy.  one day, while talking about this with my friend and she suggested we join OA.  so we joined so here i am today working on step 1.  the thoughts are still there but i find that the more mettings i go to, when i eat only a little when i'm hungry, my thoughts are quiter.  not gone but quieter.     

i was a flight risk with a fear of falling

from taylor swift's new song mine.  can't wait to hear it when the whole album comes out. 

i can totally relate to this.  that's what i feel i am when i'm living my life a flight risk.  i'm also afraid of just about everything.  hence the panic attacks. 

i think my cards are starting to fall into place.  i finally heard from him.  it took a brave step on my part to make a second move.  but i made it and now we're going to be friends and see what else happens. 

now just to get the rest of my life in order.  if only i could get my blood tests to quit coming back funny.  another weird result. another possible tumor.  but this time i'm not going to worry.  what ever happens happens and its meant to be. 

that's the thing with me now.  no more catastrophic living.  i'm just going to live my life as if it were perfect.  as if things were going according to the plan i had laid out for myself. 

i'm working on writing my eating history when i'm done i'll post it here.

by the way i don't feel like a flight risk with a fear of falling any more.  that was me but not anymore.  my panic attacks have slowed down and things are looking good now.  i can calm myself down without needing anything else.  we'll see and hope my good luck streak will keep up.  maybe another post today.  maybe not.  we'll see but definately another one tomorrow.

did i say something stupid?? there goes one more mistake

so yesterday was an awesome day.  i spent time with good friends and went to a meeting for overeaters anonymous and went to the psychologists office and got a compliment for once.  but i think i did something stupid.  i don't regret what i did but if i could go back and undo it i might.  i just might keep my feelings to myself and leave them where i usually keep them bottled up inside. 
i've gotten the feelings for a long time that i still have feelings for my exboyfriend.  but i never realized just how strong they were until yesterday.  we were talking at the bar and it just hit me how much i miss him and need him in my life.  and if that is just as a friend so be it but do i want to be something more.  the somthing that we used to be.  the something that we still could be.  the answer to that is yes, yes, yes.  but how do you tell someone that with out scaring them away??  how do you do this without risking breaking your heart deeper than it is already broken???
i'm proud of myself for what i did.  but i still haven't heard back from him and that worries me.  maybe he's just thinking about it.  but maybe he's just ignoring it.  it makes me anxious. 
how do i know if i did the right thing.  or if it was just one more mistake.
how do i know what i did feels right?  i know that when i think of him or think of hearing his voice i get the butterflies in my stomach.  the good ones like the ones you get on a roller coaster where you're kinda scared but you know you don't want to get off the ride yet.  i think i did the right thing.  it feels right.  but i can't chase away the doubt.  i just want to know the answer no matter what it is.  i need to let go and let God.  and that's where i struggle.  i guess its a control thing. 

just keep thinking of me and know i will let you know when i have an answer.  maybe i'll even find a happy title for once. 

broken like i'm never gonna heal

that's what i feel, broken like i'm never gonna heal.  i feel damaged.  damaged goods.  like my smile is hiding all the hurt inside.  i know we've all been given our cross to bear but why does it feel like mine is so heavy. like i've got more on my plate than others.  i know its not true but it feels that way sometimes. 

i wish i had more money.  enough to take care of everything i need.  right now i don't have any and that makes me feel broken.  like a failure for having to lean on my parents for so much.  like a failure for not finishing college yet.  like a failure for not having a boyfriend.  like a failure for not being engaged and about to be married.  a failure for not being a mom.  a failure for feeling like a failure. 
this is the vicious cycle i get trapped in.  these are the thoughts that keep going through my head. 
the only time the thoughts are quiet are when i'm at church or with my friends.  then i feel the voices are quiet.  but they're never silent.  like the voices from when i was anorexic.  those never go away either.  those thoughts are becoming more and more prevalent.  but i know starving myself will not do the trick.  i know for once i need to make a lifetime choice.  for once i can't do the get rich quick scheme.

another interview tomorrow.  different job.  keep your fingers crossed again.

maybe i'm crazy maybe its too late

wow.  all i can say is wow.  after the night i had last night at kim's and the day i've had today i feel raw, open and bleeding.  i can only hope and pray that the things i said last night are not forgotten but also are not repeated.  i had such an emotional time.  i've never told anyone any of those things but its true.  i pretended for years to be something i wasn't and now i'm paying the price.  contrary to previous beliefs he was my first and i had hoped my only.  but whatever, life happens.  and maybe one day, maybe soon i'll get to experience that feeling.  that feeling of falling in love again.  that feeling of completely and utterly trusting someone with my whole life and heart.  maybe i'll save myself again.  or maybe not.  maybe its just too late for me to get that feeling.  i'm 24 and i feel like my life is over.  what is wrong with me.  i just hope to be done with him and his controlling ways.  i love the life i'm living right now.  but it still feels incomplete.  i just need someone to share it with.  someone who listens and loves and cares.  more than just a friend. 
don't get me wrong this life that i'm living right now is nearly perfect and its going to get more perfect as time goes on.  but sometimes i think i'm too late for things.  at 24 i had all these expecatations that i had for myself.  my own little box to step into by the time i was 25.  and i still can i think..  if only i could fit into the box. 
i'm trying a new program tomorrow we'll see if i drink the kool aid  or if its just not right for me.  i'm hoping its another good thing to drink the koolaid for.  one can never have enough unconditional support.  even though i have the unconditional support of my friends. sometimes more unconditional support is needed.  and i can't get enough of it right now. 
i have an interview tomorrow.  a big interview.  so think of me and hopefully i'll have a new job.  one that i like a little bit more. 

There’s a boy here in town says he’ll love me forever who would have thought forever could be severed

wow.  so just hearing today about my best friends escapades made me cry.  again title is a quote from a great song.  one that i'll probably use all the lyrics to eventually called if i die young by the band perry.

so my best friend had some serious escapades last night.  and i'll admit it part of me is jealous.  but most of all i'm sad.  how could i allow some one to do those things to me that HE did.  Things i never in a million years thought i would do.  things that make me repulsed just thinking about them.  yet he said he loved me and i wanted to make him happy so i did them.  why???? just so he can tell me that for the past two years he hasn't loved me!?!?! just so that he can tell me i suck the life out of him?!?!?!

I feel violated.  i feel raped.  i feel a myriad of things that i've never felt before.  i''m sitting here trying not to cry just thinking about it.  in the past 2 years i've let him abuse me.  well we're over now so i don't know why its bothering me.  but it is.  and the thing is after i'd let him do things to me he'd tell me he loved me.  how can you lie about that???  how can you look someone in the eye and tell them you love them when you know you don't??????

you know i told him i love you by mistake.  i was just getting out of a serious relationship and we had been dating for like 3 weeks and i was leaving his house walking to my car and i yelled out love you.  it wasn't like a real i love you seriously and for the rest of my life you have my soul.  it was the love you i use with my friends.  the love you that tells them that i love them but that is not the same as my soulmate i love you. 

that's the weird thing with me.  i tell everyone who i love that i love them.  maybe its a fear of abandonment.  but that's what i do.  and i know it makes some of them uncomfortable but i can't help it.  i'm so afraid i'm going to lose one of them and they'll never know i loved them.  that would be the worst not knowing that someone loved you when they did.

so what's worse lying when you say i love you or saying i love you to everyone you love?????  can you overuse that word?????  is it really just a awkward silence filler like some people sugges??? or is it meant deep down in my soul.  i say i mean it deep down in my soul.  i know i do.  i think i have abandonment issues.  or is it love issues or is it both?????

forgiveness ain't nothing but a lifeless tire on the shoulder of her soul that never rolled

a quote from the song guinevere by the eli young band.  forgiveness.  that's a funny word.  i was going to post about spirituality today but i'm not feeling it now.  its about forgiveness.  forgiving others i guess is the easy part.  its forgiving yourself that is hard.  how do you forgive yourself for mistakes you've made years ago that are just now rearing their ugly heads.  how do you forgive yourself for losing the one you love.  for losing a friendship.  for not being observant.  for being self-absorbed.  for, well, everything.
those are the questions i struggle with tonight as i lay my head down.  i want to be content.  i really do.  but its hard to be content when you can't  forgive yourself.  what if i never forgive myself??????????

jesus is coming...look busy

so that's a quote from the book i'm reading right now.  its called nora, nora by anne rivers siddons.  its really good.  i've decided i'm going to put everything i read up on this blog so people can read along with me or whatever.
my birthday check came from my uncle.  YAY!!!!!!!!!!!  now i have a little money which is nice.  so. first thing i'm gonna do with it is get a couple more books.  big surprise there.  i know.  but whatever.  i've started a diet with two of my best friends and now i'm trying to hold myself accountable.  and today was a terrible day on the diet.  that i have to admit.  cheesecake and ice cream  holy calories.  but i'm going to go get the diet books by bethenny frankel and use those on top of the one that was recommended to me called 100 days of weight loss.  i just hope that i can be my skinny happy self again.  this me is not as happy as she used to be.  i just wish things in life were easier.

i think i'm going to go back to church.  not normal church like i used to go to.  but the church that is new agey and spiritual.  and high energy.  i think i was happy when i went there a couple times so i'm gonna try it again.  this time seriously. i think its a good place to meet people and a place where i can take the stress away from my life.  i'm unsure of how people are going to take it.  the people i love and the people i  used to go to church with.  but i guess its not their opinion that matters.  its mine.  but i've always been very concerned with what people will think of me.  i just hope that everything turns out right.  that i keep the friends i have and make new ones within the church.  we'll c what happens

so here i am...so different...yet so the same

i honestly never thought my life would turn out this way.  that my 6 year relationship would end in heartbreak.  that i sucked the life out of people. that i would be overweight and alone.  that my significant other would hide from me at work and that i would find the friends i lost years ago.  and that's just the beginning...