wow. so just hearing today about my best friends escapades made me cry. again title is a quote from a great song. one that i'll probably use all the lyrics to eventually called if i die young by the band perry.
so my best friend had some serious escapades last night. and i'll admit it part of me is jealous. but most of all i'm sad. how could i allow some one to do those things to me that HE did. Things i never in a million years thought i would do. things that make me repulsed just thinking about them. yet he said he loved me and i wanted to make him happy so i did them. why???? just so he can tell me that for the past two years he hasn't loved me!?!?! just so that he can tell me i suck the life out of him?!?!?!
I feel violated. i feel raped. i feel a myriad of things that i've never felt before. i''m sitting here trying not to cry just thinking about it. in the past 2 years i've let him abuse me. well we're over now so i don't know why its bothering me. but it is. and the thing is after i'd let him do things to me he'd tell me he loved me. how can you lie about that??? how can you look someone in the eye and tell them you love them when you know you don't??????
you know i told him i love you by mistake. i was just getting out of a serious relationship and we had been dating for like 3 weeks and i was leaving his house walking to my car and i yelled out love you. it wasn't like a real i love you seriously and for the rest of my life you have my soul. it was the love you i use with my friends. the love you that tells them that i love them but that is not the same as my soulmate i love you.
that's the weird thing with me. i tell everyone who i love that i love them. maybe its a fear of abandonment. but that's what i do. and i know it makes some of them uncomfortable but i can't help it. i'm so afraid i'm going to lose one of them and they'll never know i loved them. that would be the worst not knowing that someone loved you when they did.
so what's worse lying when you say i love you or saying i love you to everyone you love????? can you overuse that word????? is it really just a awkward silence filler like some people sugges??? or is it meant deep down in my soul. i say i mean it deep down in my soul. i know i do. i think i have abandonment issues. or is it love issues or is it both?????
It's normal for you to feel hurt and upset over things that happened in the past with your past relationship... it hurt you and it still hurts you. I really doubt that he stopped loving you 2 years ago. I honestly think that is something that people say when they are mad. But no matter what, he doesn't love you as much as you deserve to be loved.
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