my eating history

here is my eating history...at least as far as it is right now.

my obsession with food goes back as far as i can remember.  my grandmother (maternal) was always commenting on everyone else's weight and placing them on various diets, and exercise plans.  as a child i wasn't skinny but also wasn't overweight, either.  but i was always uncomfortable about my size and the fact that i've never been able ot keep weight off in my tummy area.  the first time i considered my relationship with food and i were getting ready for the pool when one of them said: "aren't you too fat for a bikini?" and laughed.  looking back it was then htat i began my true unhealthy eating patterns.  i wan't binging or purging or witholding yet but i was starting to begin to cut back on how much i ate.  it was my first true diet.  i had thaought it was working but at the dances i still wan't ever getting asked to dance.  then the day it all really cam to a head occurred.  i was sitting next to my science partner (whom i had thought was my friend) said "you have the biggest arms i have ever seen"  that night i had my first real panic attack and also it was the first time i binged and purged.  it was pizza.  i really didn't like making myself thow up but it was the only way i could get his voice out of my head and the other voices/thoughts that were always there.  the ones that said i was fat, ugly, not good enough, that i'll never be good enough, no one will ever love me and i'll be alone for the rest of my life.  i guess you could say that i was a bit of a perfectionist.  so the next day i told my mom that the pizza had made me sick and i didn't think i was ever going to eat it again.  and that's what i did. smokies, refined sugar, etc.  i would binge on it once, puge and never eat it again but the thoughts never disappeared completely.  soon i wasn't eating anything.  but yet the thoughts persisted.  and i weighed 82 pounds.  but my relationshi with food didn't change.  my parents sent me to therapy and a nutritionsit but it really didn't help.  the nutritionist taught me a lot but it was never anything i would do.  in theory it was simply.  eat in moderation.  eat plenty of fruits and veggies.  but the thoughts disagreed.  Moderation was NOT in my vocabulary.  eventually i began to ignore my thoughts after i had a life-altering injury from being malnourished.  i began to gain weight in high school and could maintain a "healthy" weight of 120 pounds.  i wore a size 0.  and was very active but never a very big exerciser.  at the end of high school i began to date a guy who was a year younger but a whole foot taller than me and had a good 150 pounds on me.  he was very mentally abusive but i didn't see it then.  we dated for 6 and 1/2 years over the course of theose years i gained almost 200 pounds for various reasons.  looking back now i think that i was eating to hide the pain i was feeling.  the loneliness.  i was in complete isolation from my friends and i didn't talk to anyone except him and those "approved" set of his friends.  i notice now that i would stay at his house until 1 am and would come home and eat everything in sight.  ice cream, nutella from the jar.  naything we had but especially sweet food.  i would sit on the couch, watch nancy grace and eat.  i also would lie about what i ate.  i would eat at home but then when i got to his house i would say i hadn't eaten.  it sounds silly but i liked eating with him.  it was about the only thing we had in common.  i didn't want him to eat alone and we would eat a LOT of fast food, especially pizza.  i would say we had pizza at least 3 times a week.  and we would eat and eat.  i think i at because i was so unhappy, unhappy with myself, my life and everything esle.  i didn't believe i was worth anything.  they year i turned 24 (this past year) i threw myself a birthday party.  a big one.  i invited his friends and my friends, whom i had just begun to reconnect with.  that night, the night of my party his friends were cruel.  making comments like you better hope she doesn't pass out because no one will be able to pick her up an dyou sleep with her but you can't lift her.  something has to change.  and those were just the comments i could remember.  that night i got sick and he never came to check on me.  he left without saying goodbye .  the next day the thoughts were back in full force.  i confronted him about what was said and to make a long story short we broke up.  i began to grow to realize that i had a problem with food and that i needed to get healthy and happy.  not necessarily think but healthy and happy.  one day, while talking about this with my friend and she suggested we join OA.  so we joined so here i am today working on step 1.  the thoughts are still there but i find that the more mettings i go to, when i eat only a little when i'm hungry, my thoughts are quiter.  not gone but quieter.