and you know i cried...

ok  taken out of context this is an apropriate title.  from the song other guys by jonny diaz. 

so just found out that the mother of one of my good friends in high school died today.  i'm totally at a loss for words.  its hard to imagine that someone's mother is gone.  i guess its a good day to address my mommy issues

i don't feel loved.  there i said it.  i know my parents love me but i've never felt loved by them.  its kinda hard to even imagine what it would be like to truly be loved by anyone.  i thought i knew what love was but that was a bold faced lie. 

aren't your parents supposed to love you?????  so why don't i feel it????  i told them that the other day in anger but i guess what it all boils down to is that i'm a child.  a child who wants to be loved by her mommy.  who wants a mommy who cares what they do.  a mommy who isn't too consumed with other things to even notice her daughter is starving herself to death.  who doesn't have to be told by her daughter's math teacher that maybe her daughter is too thin and needs help. 

a mom who cares and doesn't jump to conclusions.  that's what i want.  a non judgemental mom.  its never been like that.  its always been well who else is doing that. 

i'm sitting here crying just imagining the perfect relationship with my mother.  and i don't know how to get it.  i know that i need to focus on my end of the relationship which is the only end that i can change but its easier to think about all the times i've been hurt, ignored, etc. 

when i was anorexic my own mother didn't believe me that i was starving myself.  my mother didn't believe that anyone would be that stupid.  she still doesn't and she gets that from her mother.  but instead of sending me to a counselor she sent me to get tested for AIDS.  i've never told anyone that before.  she didn't believe me when i said that i had never done drugs and she didn't believe that i wasn't sexually promiscuous.  do you know what its like to have your own mother look you in the eye and call you a liar.  i do.

what did that lead to.  me to become a liar towards her.  she never needed to know where i was, what i was doing and how i felt.  it just wasn't necessary.  i guess.  and now it is just a part of my life.  to lie to her.  to tell her exactly what she wants to hear.  there's no point in being myself around her.  she'll never understand what i feel, who i am, what i stand for. 

when i was telling her the other day what my church is like and a struggle i'm having with something one of the pastors told me and all she can tell me is "what the hell kind of flaky ass church do you belong to?"  who says that to someone????  i just dont' get it. 

i'm going to end this with another quote from a song?

it happened in a blink.  what have i done with my life??   it happened in a blink.