that's what i feel, broken like i'm never gonna heal. i feel damaged. damaged goods. like my smile is hiding all the hurt inside. i know we've all been given our cross to bear but why does it feel like mine is so heavy. like i've got more on my plate than others. i know its not true but it feels that way sometimes.
i wish i had more money. enough to take care of everything i need. right now i don't have any and that makes me feel broken. like a failure for having to lean on my parents for so much. like a failure for not finishing college yet. like a failure for not having a boyfriend. like a failure for not being engaged and about to be married. a failure for not being a mom. a failure for feeling like a failure.
this is the vicious cycle i get trapped in. these are the thoughts that keep going through my head.
the only time the thoughts are quiet are when i'm at church or with my friends. then i feel the voices are quiet. but they're never silent. like the voices from when i was anorexic. those never go away either. those thoughts are becoming more and more prevalent. but i know starving myself will not do the trick. i know for once i need to make a lifetime choice. for once i can't do the get rich quick scheme.
another interview tomorrow. different job. keep your fingers crossed again.
I wish I had more money too. That would solve a Lot of my worries.
ReplyDeleteI think you will heal if you put the work in. It's not going to be easy or perfect, but you are capable of more than you think you are.
It works if you work it :)