i really want to start living, man

from the man i want to be by chris young

i've got an hour until i start my job at aero.  i'm excited and nervous all at the same time.  so we were talking in therapy today about my ability to relate to people.  he said that i was not a relational person.  and i disagreed.  he said that im not relational with the people in my life who matter.  that i need to ask the group what i do that keeps me from being relational but do i really want to know.  i don't think my relationships are effed up.  but maybe they are and i just don't see it.  i try so hard to be the perfect daughter, sister, friend, etc.  but it really doesn't matter because i evidently completely fail at it.  at least according to my psychologist.  if i'm not relational how do i have friends????? that's the question i want to know.  i understand that i push people away when i complain and when i talk about what's wrong with me.  but what i don't understand is why everything has to be rosy all the time.  i just don't get it.  why would everything alway have to be relational or nice and good.  i mean sometimes you just aren't relational.  sometimes i want to bitch to someone about how i feel not lie and say everything is roses and rainbows.  life's just not that way.  and if you can't relate how you feel to someone how can you be relational to them??? that is the question of the hour.

so last night i watched the season finale of grey's anatomy for like the 100th time this summer because the new season comes on next week.  boy can that show make me cry.  which is where the title for this comes from.  it had a lot of good quotes and next week i'm going to write them down and put them on here.  but not right now.  the one i remember best is from the end.  derek is doing a voice over and its goes something like this:  "life is full of choices, right or left, yes or no, life and death, but sometimes the choice is not ours".  wow that was powerful.  it made me think. what if the choice really isn't ours.  i don't want to go out of this life on a choice that wasn't mine.  i want to go out for good things.  to not die alone.  (as my therapists suggests i might).  i don't want to become a bitter old woman who has had her heart broken too many times.  i want to live.  and if my heart gets broken so be it.  i want to take risks and have some pay off and fail miserably at some.  i want to make a beautiful mistake.  the kind that just happens and that pays off in the end.  one that may not be the right choice for  everyone but the right choice for me.  i think that's what i'm really struggling with today.  doing what I want to do not what everyone else wants me to do.  and i really want to start living.  living each day as if i may not have another.  because who knows what can happen.  i'm going to end this with the lyrics of a song that has really become my anthem recently.  its called Blink by the band Revive.  its a christian song but i think it has more meaning than just that.  i think it really is calling me to live my life to the fullest.

teach me to number my days
and count every moment
before it slips away
take in all all the colors
before they fade to grey

i don't wanna miss
even just a second
more of this

it happens in a blink
it happens in a flash
it happens in the time it took to look back
i try to hold on tight, but there's no stopping time
what is it i've done with my life

it happens in a blink
it happens in a blink

when its all said and done
no one remembers
how far we have run
the only thing that matters
is how we have loved

i don't want to miss
even just a second
more of this

it happens in a blink, it happens in a flash
it happens in the time it took to look back
i try to hold on tight but there's no stopping time
what is it i've done with my life

it happens in a blink
it happens in a blink
it happens in a blink
it happens in a blink

slow down
slow down
before today becomes
our yesterday

slow down
slow down
before today becomes
our yesterday

it happens in a blink, it happens in a flash
it happens in the time it took to look back
i try to hold on tight, but there's no stopping time
what is it i've done with my life?

it happens in a blink, it happens in a flash
it happens in the time it took to look back
i try to hold on tight, but there's  no stopping time
what is it i've done with my life?

it happens in a blink
it happens in a blink
it happens in a blink
it happens in a blink